Thursday, October 29, 2009

Safety First

Starting next week, all stock people will be required to wear steel-toed shoes that they must purchase themselves. This is bullshit. Why not wear hard hats in case things fall from the high shelves? We need goggles for the dust. We ought to wear gas masks for the alcohol vapours and for the stagnant waste from broken product (whether to be returned or not). Also, don't forget gloves. We deal with a lot of broken glass. In fact, gloves should be mandatory for customers. They break more things that we do! A lot of the things they break are carbonized, so goggles or some sort of face shield would be important.

In fact, the whole fucking store is a death trap! We should just change the whole operation for public safety. We should deliver alcohol directly to the customer in teams of 4:

The Driver - The driver will stay with the armoured truck at all times. His main duties include making sure everyone gets home and maintaining order in the premises of the truck at all times with Kevlar and an assault rifle.






The Criminal Negotiator - This operative must ensure the compliance of the customer in the agreed deal. As the delivery process is exceedingly costly, it is in the company's best interest to ensure every operation ends in a sale.

The Explosives Specialist - The specialist covers the most duties during every excursion. First, the armoured truck is stocked with the highly flammable chemical known as alcohol. Should a leak occur, the truck may be converted from a humble delivery service into an enormous explosive device. Second, upon arriving at the delivery, the explosives expert must ensure the area is secure and that petty thieves have not set up a trap or ambush.

The Medic - Every operation contains an element of danger. There is heavy equipment, poisonous and volatile chemicals, and, of course, the most dangerous and unpredictable factor: man. At any point, a routine delivery could result in a bloodbath of vicious cardboard cuts, over extended muscles, repeated stress syndrome, minor and major dismemberment, and allergies. You can never be too careful.

Remember, Safety First.

1 comment:

  1. you just made my fucking day.
    also, i have to get these bullshit shoes too. apparently there are steel-toed SNEAKERS from Mark's Work Warehouse. we should go shopping!
    Garrett too.
    as long as he fucking posts on this blog.

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