People I Hate Part 3

Motherfuckers who do this.

Today's post is brought to you by the letter "C"

I'm working on a play about sales (don't ask) and I just came to realize the secret to mass beer sales! It's the letter "C", or the sound "k-" if you like.

What products have the highest volume of sale? Canadian, Kokanee, Coors, Corona...

Even to a lesser extent, Alexander Keith's, Lucky, Black Ice, Old Milwaukee, Rickard's, Big Rock, Heineken, Pilsner Urquell...

No wonder no one buys Sleeman's.

Safety First

Starting next week, all stock people will be required to wear steel-toed shoes that they must purchase themselves. This is bullshit. Why not wear hard hats in case things fall from the high shelves? We need goggles for the dust. We ought to wear gas masks for the alcohol vapours and for the stagnant waste from broken product (whether to be returned or not). Also, don't forget gloves. We deal with a lot of broken glass. In fact, gloves should be mandatory for customers. They break more things that we do! A lot of the things they break are carbonized, so goggles or some sort of face shield would be important.

In fact, the whole fucking store is a death trap! We should just change the whole operation for public safety. We should deliver alcohol directly to the customer in teams of 4:

The Driver - The driver will stay with the armoured truck at all times. His main duties include making sure everyone gets home and maintaining order in the premises of the truck at all times with Kevlar and an assault rifle.






The Criminal Negotiator - This operative must ensure the compliance of the customer in the agreed deal. As the delivery process is exceedingly costly, it is in the company's best interest to ensure every operation ends in a sale.

The Explosives Specialist - The specialist covers the most duties during every excursion. First, the armoured truck is stocked with the highly flammable chemical known as alcohol. Should a leak occur, the truck may be converted from a humble delivery service into an enormous explosive device. Second, upon arriving at the delivery, the explosives expert must ensure the area is secure and that petty thieves have not set up a trap or ambush.

The Medic - Every operation contains an element of danger. There is heavy equipment, poisonous and volatile chemicals, and, of course, the most dangerous and unpredictable factor: man. At any point, a routine delivery could result in a bloodbath of vicious cardboard cuts, over extended muscles, repeated stress syndrome, minor and major dismemberment, and allergies. You can never be too careful.

Remember, Safety First.

People I Hate Part 2

This is a continuation, as you can probably tell, from my other blog and People I Hate.

I have two people on my list today that just pissed me right off.

1. People who stick to their guns. Not that having ideals is a bad things, but having boneheaded ideals is another. Today I had some guy come into the store. Here's what happened.

Guy: Hey, man, you got a cart I can use?
Me: No, sorry. We share them with the Superstore. You're welcome to bring one inside if you like.
Guy: Damn. I guess I'll have to carry it then.

What did I just finish saying? It's like there is no turning back. The carts are a hundred feet away!

What an idiot.

Candidate number two actually ruined my day.

2. So, this motherfucker comes in to buy a case of Pilsner and he's yakking away on his cell phone the entire time. I'm just down one of the aisles and I hear him drop his case. And he tells the guy on the phone, "yeah, I just dropped a case."

And then he grabs another one and walks away!

Motherfucker!

He just walked away. Didn't tell anyone. Just got his beer and left. I just about lost it, but while I was giving him time to go tell the cashier while I got the bucket he slipped away out of the store. I sincerely hope that this motherfucker dies slowly in a combination of being burned alive and having his still living remains eaten by vermin.

Seriously. Ruined my day.

Einstein-Newton Relations

It seems to me that gravity is relative to pressure in a liquor store. The busier we are, the harder things fall. In the last 2 days we have had 6 bottles of wine, 5 cases of wine, 1 case of prosecco, 5 boxes and a flat of beer break for the worst reasons. People are dropping them out of carts and plunking them into baskets where the break, dropping them off of carts and kicking them off shelves... iz disaster!

I haven't figured out how to upload pictures from my phone, but when I do, I'll show you the tower of loose beer that we're keeping in the back room because there isn't enough room to put them out front. There are probably 60 loose bottles of beer that we have salvaged. One of my co-workers broke 18/20 bottles in a case of Polish imports.

(also, never mop Irish Cream and Prosecco in the same bucket. Mop water should never curdle.)

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Starting December we're extending our hours! Instead of closing at 10 we close at 12! And on Sundays we're closing at 12 instead of 8! Yippee-hooray! So I don't get to go home until 1 in the fucking morning!

They had better fucking pay me for that shit.